Ahhh, “Real Sex”. Remember that show? No? Well, you just weren’t lucky enough to have Comcast randomly gift your household a free weekend of HBO in the summer of 1999 just before you started seventh grade like I was. Don’t worry, though, because there’s no need for you to be jealous, as this show ultimately proved itself to be just a bit too “real” for me. As such, here are the five most horrifying naked people I saw on that sunny July weekend.
- The Old Guy With the Prince Albert
Yeah, I did not have this guy in mind when I toggled to HBO (with one finger on the “last channel” button of the remote so anyone who happened into the living room would just think I was watching “Mad TV”) only to have the first shot be of the pierced schlong of some senior citizen at a swingers’ camping convention right after he whipped it out to show the camera operator. I mean, good for him, but it definitely was not what I was expecting. To this day, I can’t help wondering if every old guy I walk past has a stylish ring through his urethra.
- The Penis Puppeteer
Do I really need to include an explanation as to what this entailed? It just wasn’t an appropriate watch for someone who was coming into his sexuality. I’d be so much better off today if my dad had just given me a stack of Hustlers and put the TV out on the curb. Thanks a lot, HBO.
- The Adult Baby
No shame if this is your kink, but they really didn’t need to show the diapers being used. A simple verbal explanation of this particular fetish would have done wonders for my imagination, but instead I was left with the mental image of a 46-year-old financial planner pissing into his Huggies while holding a bottle of what I sincerely hope was just cow’s milk. Do you know how hard it was to revert to FreeOnes after that?
- The Masturbation Club Members
Why couldn’t it have been a free weekend of Cinemax instead, huh? I gladly would’ve taken absurdly simulated softcore sex acts over a hotel room filled with people who have turned jacking off into a social club. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: 99.99% of the human race consists of people I don’t want to see masturbate, and that is a conservative number.
- The Oil Wrestlers
Oil wrestling can be a fantastic activity to watch if it’s people who do not look like this. Jesus Christ. High-speed internet was right around the corner, but it was unfortunately too late for me. Sound off in the comments if your sexuality was forever warped by this nightmare of a program.
