SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Davis Square, a bustling and inclusive neighborhood, boasts a diverse arts scene, a fiercely independent business community, and a parking enforcement agency that will fuck up someone’s whole day, locally-made-kombucha-sipping sources reported.
“I work six-hour shifts at Crust & Cask, and the longest you can park anywhere is two hours,” explained Melissa Tyndale, a senior at Tufts University and part-time waitress at a local wood-fired pizza and bespoke whiskey bar. “So that means twice per shift I have to ditch the restaurant in the middle of a rush and run three blocks past the art galleries and queer advocacy collectives just to put another four bucks on the meter. There’s always a guy in a uniform with a notepad just waiting for my time to run out. Sometimes, I don’t make it and then half my tips for the day go to paying off the ticket. Financially, I’d be better off working in the suburbs, but then it would be some boring place like Olive Garden. How are my customers supposed to enjoy our small-batch roasted red pepper and chèvre flatbreads when there are parking enforcement fascists roaming the streets? The oppression must stop.”
Enforcement agent Percy Buckley confirmed that he and his colleagues mercilessly monitor parked cars and have tickets at the ready.
“People think that just because we’ve got a few overpriced fair trade coffee shops and weed dispensaries with dumb names like Gram Central Station, we must be too laid back to bother enforcing parking policies,” said Buckley. “Well, if you want to experience our chill community full of provocative artistic installations, acceptance of all people regardless of race or gender presentation, and top-notch creative cuisine, you’d better — Oh, excuse me, I just saw a guy get out of his car with a laptop bag. I guarantee you he’s going to wait 15 minutes to get a table at Perkatory, settle in with a latte, and totally forget to run back to his car to put another five bucks on it. Remote workers are easy pickins’.”
City official Killian Butler expressed confusion at the anger that locals harbored for the neighborhood’s parking regulations.
“First of all, this is just Urban Planning 101. Consistently applied parking measures mean more turnover, which means that more people get to experience our vibrant community,” Butler explained. “Second, we have a subway and bus stop, not to mention multiple bike racks, so no one should really have to drive here anyway. And finally, a bill passed last year mandating that all parking ticket revenue gets reinvested in the community. These complainers seem to think that the money just goes to some City Hall slush fund, when in reality it’s split between the local women’s shelter and the free rehab clinic.”
At press time, parking enforcement officers were roping off two perfectly good parking spaces on Elm St. to make room for outdoor seating at a new Icelandic-Ethiopian fusion restaurant.
