TORONTO — In a recent show, members of the hardcore band End It called on the crowd to harass and disrobe an attendee wearing an attention-grabbing banana costume, a move many fans fear will draw retaliation from the notoriously bloodthirsty and capable Chiquita Banana Company, sources within the hardcore community speculate.
“Those guys oughta know yo, you don’t fuck with the banana!” said paranoid End It fan Louis Hernandez. “My Grandfather is from Colombia; he has seen some shit. Some real shit. You think having one obnoxious, attention-seeking fan sucks? Try having a corporate-backed fully armed far-right militia barreling down at you. I don’t know what Big Banana’s demands are, but for the sake of your families, dudes, for the love of God just meet them. You don’t want to find out what these people are capable of.”
Many noted historians and experts in corporate governmental influence are painting a grim portrait of End It’s future, should hostilities towards the banana giant and its interests continue.
“It’s pretty clear that the members of End It have never taken a glance at Chiquita Banana’s Wikipedia page,” said South American political historian Sylvia Shrine. “These people have toppled whole governments to keep the price of bananas from going up 20 cents. They have started literal wars, killed thousands of innocent people, and you just called for a direct assault on one of their representatives. Unless they really are trying to ‘end it’ all, I suggest that band issue an apology, grease all the right palms, and lay low for a while. Get your families into safe houses immediately and tell no one where you’re headed — Chiquita has eyes and ears all over the world.”
A spokesman for Chiquita has issued an official statement regarding the Toronto performance.
“End It’s altercation with our associate was… unfortunate. Most unfortunate indeed,” lamented Chiquita spokesperson Wilson VanFord from a thick cloud of premium cigar smoke. “Frankly, when a rock band displays that sort of recklessness, one can’t be all too surprised when they wind up having, shall we say, an accident.” VanFord then began a low, grumbling laugh, which spread to the huddle of intimidating-looking associates standing behind his chair and quickly escalated into terrifying hysterics.
As of press time, cell phones belonging to the members of End It were found abandoned just outside the Canadian border.
