“I have a three-episode romance arc coming up with Stephanie this season,” I tell my aunt at our Mother’s Day gathering. “You’re going to love it.”
“Oh, we LOVE the Marshals. We’ve seen every episode, you’re fantastic,” she lies. No one has seen CBS’s Marshals, which is exactly why I’m telling everyone I’m an actor on that show.
You can too! Are you feeling stuck in your career, life, marriage? You can just say you are an actor on CBS’s Marshals, also streaming on Paramount + (whatever that is), and no one will know.
“I didn’t know you were an actor,” they’ll say. Me neither, and I’m not.
I’ve never seen one second of Marshals. No one has. I don’t think it’s real. I’ve never seen it on CBS; I don’t know if Paramount + actually exists. That is precisely why I’ve been telling people for the past eight months that I’m an actor on the show Variety calls, “a formulaic procedural that lacks the depth of the original Yellowstone.”
I haven’t received one dollar from this venture…yet. No one’s questioned it. Your oldest relatives who claim to love this show, which again I’m not sure is real, won’t question it either. Odds are, if it is a real show, they’re asleep before the title card shows up.
I’ve created an IMDB page for myself. I play Marshall on Marshals, and Marshall is set to show up in CBS’s Tracker, Fire Country, and Matlock between now and 2029.
You may be asking yourself, why are you doing this? To that I say, why aren’t YOU doing this? I’m a sales representative for a marketing firm. What even is that? I sell marketing? Everything is insane. Gas is one-bajillion dollars, and I think AirPods are causing cancer. Live a little. Say you have a small speaking role on an upcoming episode of Marshals next time there’s a lull in the conversation. I promise the rush you’ll feel is greater than any drug known to man.
I just received an email that the entire cast, myself included, will be interviewed on CBS This Morning for the upcoming season. What season are they/we on? No idea. Two? Seventeen? No one knows. No one will ever know. All I know is Marshall is going to have some serious soul-searching this season. Join me, won’t you?
