WASHINGTON — FBI Director Kash Patel has come under fire for his official travel schedule being ostensibly identical to nu-metal band Papa Roach’s upcoming U.S. tour, sources report.
“Patel’s use of government resources, which he passes off as being part of his professional duties, is becoming a real problem for him,” said investigative journalist Yadira Jimenez. “From Hawaii snorkeling excursions to his use of the FBI’s Gulfstream V jet to attend concerts with his girlfriend, it’s obvious that Patel is using taxpayer dollars to fund personal activities. His following a rap-rock band from the early 2000s is just the most recent example of his wanton dereliction of duty. Just look at this map I’ve made of his schedule superimposed over the Papa Roach tour. He’s not even trying to hide it at this point.”
Former FBI Director James Comey agreed with Jimenez.
“I would express bewilderment at Patel still being in this job, but given the current administration, I suppose it’s par for the course,” Comey sighed. “You know how important his duties are to the security of all U.S. citizens? Should the sight of him pathetically chugging beer and singing some shitty Toby Keith song with the U.S. men’s national ice hockey team instill confidence in the American public? If he wants to live his angst-ridden teenage dream of following Papa Roach on tour, he should be doing it on his own time before we suffer another terrorist attack as a direct result of him ignoring his responsibilities.”
Patel was dismissive of the criticism lobbied against him.
“Pssht, whatever bro,” Patel scoffed as he polished off his sixth can of Natural Light over an expensed lunch of Wagyu beef tartare topped with foie gras and Osetra caviar. “I’m just going to tour FBI offices all over the country to make sure they’re operating to standard. What I might or might not do at night with my Bureau credit card is completely irrelevant. Look, is Papa Roach the sickest fucking band ever? Of course they are, and it’s been my lifelong dream to sing along to ‘Last Resort’ on every date of one of their tours, but that is unrelated to my professional life as Director of…wait. Which Federal organization am I the head of again?”
At press time, Patel’s upcoming visits to several conferences in Europe appeared to coincide with several Breaking Benjamin festival appearances.
