I’ve been to all 15 National Parks in the US, 3 in Tajikistan, and a Busch Gardens high on shrooms. Safe to say, I know the majesty of nature when I see it. But my criteria for what constitutes the best piece of land have changed since I’ve gotten older. While I used to prioritize natural beauty, expansive hiking trails, and remoteness so my wife couldn’t call to berate me about spending our rent money on PJ Harvey Funko Pops, things have changed since I got a new job. My work as an AI Ethics Officer at Harold Benis, LLC has reshaped how I see the world. Now I don’t just appreciate Lake Clark for its scenic waters and ability to kill people from Alaska. I see its potential to hold compute clusters for high-speed chatbots. With that in mind, here are the top 5 National Parks my company wants to tear down to build AI Data Centers!
HAWAI’I VOLCANOES:
The last time I went to Mauna Loa, I heard an ‘io hawk chirp gently over amber magma, I felt the salt breeze in my hair, and I dreamt of a big cube absorbing code right in the middle of it all. Plus, with the recent island floods, our hyperscaler’s use of 3 million gallons of water per day could dry the whole community back up!
YELLOWSTONE:
Speaking of H2O, think about how much prettier the Steamboat Geyser waters would be cooling down a high-density GPU that’s just been prompted to write Naruto-pegging-Hamish-Linklater yaoi fanfiction.
JOSHUA TREE:
This gem of San Bernardino County generally attracts campers who are socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Now, it can expand its demo to include socially technofascist, biospherically barren.
BRYCE CANYON:
I asked 12 different men named Bryce about getting rid of this canyon, and not one of them gave a shit. Plus, the “ Amphitheater” is totally false advertising. I tried screening my child’s middle school production of Seussical Jr. at Paunsaugunt Plateau, but the cider cones made the images super choppy…unlike our Diffusion model, which trains on billions of image-text pairs to create consistent 4K PNGs.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT:
While it’s spellbinding to see prairie dogs, mule deer, and bison up close, the name of this steppe is too problematic to ignore. It’s time to reclaim this land from a controversial president who, according to our company’s LLM, ate Monica Lewinsky.
