I’m just going to come right out and say it, there are only nine people from high school that I still care about, and everyone else from my graduation class and under can fuck right off. I’m not trying to be callous, I just legitimately have no interest in knowing what people who barely gave me the time of day from 1999-2003 are doing now.
Earlier today, while making an obligatory perusal of the wasteland that is Facebook, I noticed a friend request from someone I had not seen or spoken to since high school. I couldn’t help but laugh, because they clearly sent the request on the wildly miscalculated assumption that I would ever accept it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this guy was an asshole or anything. We got along pretty amicably, evidence that a unified hatred of the same teachers will form unlikely bonds. But it’s been over twenty goddamn years, and I don’t have the mental fortitude to see his life appear on my feed. I already know too much about the people in my life on social media.
It’s the audacity of it all that’s had me chuckling all afternoon. But it’s my own damn fault for still using Facebook, being a boomer millennial and all, but I haven’t accepted a new friend request on that platform since 2012. And since then, I’ve culled dozens of people I barely remember, because I cannot be bothered to see one more quiz result or bad meme from someone I ran cross country with for two years. Trust me, he is just an unfollow waiting to happen six months from now.
Let me speak to them directly for a second: old buddy, old pal, I can assure you there is nothing in my life worth catching you up on. I already hate making small talk with people I just met, and I don’t have the mental energy to condense and then elaborate on two decades of anecdotes and life changes into two paragraphs on Facebook Messenger. The only thing you need to know is that I have a mustache now, which I’m sure you gleaned from my profile picture.
Christ, maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. I mean, wouldn’t anyone like to be remembered after 20 years? Wait, oh, for fuck’s sake, now he’s asked to connect on LinkedIn. I just might piss my pants!
