REYKJAVÍK — Enigmatic musical artist Björk is being accused by human beings and birds alike of selfishly and aggressively eating all of the seeds in a neighborhood bird feeder, frustrated birders reported.
“I understand that Björk is one with the Earth and all that stuff, but the seeds are intended for the birds and the birds alone,” said Einar Sigurðsson, who stocks the communal bird feeder along with other neighbors. “I admire her commitment to the bit- sometimes she wears the swan dress and she never uses her hands. But have you ever seen a sad puffin? It’ll ruin your week. If that wasn’t bad enough, Björk even made a nest in a nearby tree branch and has been defecating on all the statues. She must be stopped at all costs.”
Members of the Icelandic bird community are trying to raise awareness about musicians, who they consider an invasive species.
“Between Sigur Rós running buck-ass naked through our natural habitat to Of Monsters and Men confusing other birds with their birdcall-like accordion playing, this all needs to stop,” said Gerry, a gyrfalcon who commonly perches atop the Hallgrimskirkja church. “Björk is stealing all the goddamn sunflower seeds, which are the tastiest ones. This is in addition to global warming and the ever-increasing influx of slob American tourists. Iceland? More like… dang, I’m so hungry I can’t think of a pun.”
When asked if this is part of some performance piece, Björk wouldn’t confirm the nature of this strange behavior.
“There is music in the sounds of everyday life, choruses and verses, but the harmonies are found by simply existing,” whispered Björk in hushed, intriguing tones while reeking of suet. “By eating a seed, we become a human terrarium- an incubator for life. I am growing trees within me. And fuck any seagull who tries to get in my way.”
At press time, Björk was last seen boxing out ducks for pieces of bread in a central Reykjavík pond.
