SANTE FE, N.M. — A recent study revealed that America’s primary source of education has been reduced to fun facts on the sides of U-Haul trucks, sources report.
“Due to deep educational budget cuts across the nation, Americans have been forced to seek out educational material from non-traditional sources,” said Jane Lochner, the study’s head researcher. “At first, we hypothesized people would be watching YouTube videos to educate themselves, but it turns out most people who watch educational YouTube content on nature, physics, or space are incredibly high, and don’t really retain any of the information they ingest. We also discovered, to no surprise, that books are simply too long and boring for most Americans—which is where U-Haul trivia enters the equation. They’re short, digestible, entertaining, and according to our study, America’s greatest weapon in the battle against ignorance.”
The participants were eager to weigh in on the study.
“My fun fact is that U-Haul nuggets fucking rip,” quipped Brandon Williams, a participant in the study. “I mostly liked the one that talked about all the poisonous snakes in the American Southwest. As a proud Bostonian, I didn’t even know the Southwest existed. I thought the map just kinda ended once you got to Pittsburgh, so learning there’s way more states, and snakes, was cool. For the last year, I’ve been writing all the factoids I see in a note pad. The drivers behind me hate it, but I don’t care. Because education is the bedrock of a functioning society, and my country needs me. Even if it means coming to an abrupt stop on the highway during rush hour. I just hope one day they’ll come out with a fun fact about getting visitation rights to your kids. That would be awesome.”
U-Haul representatives are ecstatic about the study’s findings.
“We couldn’t be more proud to play a vital role in the education of this great country,” said U-Haul Director of Community Outreach, Peter Snodgrass. “U-Haul is a pillar of the community, specifically the moving/education pillar, and we look forward to helping ambitious Americans learn more about the world they live in. Even as we speak, we’re partnering with the Teachers College of Columbia University to create a U-Haul fun fact curriculum. Manatees, atoms, carnivorous plants, it’s all in there. Because we don’t want Americans to think of us as just a moving company, but rather a fleet of mobile encyclopedias that also helps you move couches and stuff.”
At press time, Snodgrass was offered a high-level position within the Department of Education.
