LOS ANGELES — A young couple recently sighted at a local punk show was deemed way too attractive to actually be punk, sources who haven’t looked at themselves in the mirror for a month confirmed.
“I was at a basement show on Friday, and in the middle of all the sweaty, disgusting crowd, I noticed this couple that was way hot. They were both so gorgeous that I just watched them instead of whatever shitty band was playing,” said local punk Brent Williams. “At first I thought that they must be lost and found their way to this show for help, but then I noticed they were both wearing legit band shirts and not like the ones you get from your aunt at Christmas. So weird.”
The couple has also been seen around the city and in locally owned shops, including an independent record store.
“I was restocking vinyl at the shop when I saw them walk in through the door. My first thought was ‘Oh great, these poseurs are going to ask where they can find the new Green Day,’ but then they were browsing through the ‘90s hardcore section and were grabbing Shai Hulud and Unbroken records, and I almost spilled my kombucha on my beard,” said record store employee Chris Janson. “It’s not fair. People that attractive shouldn’t be allowed in the scene. Ugly music is for ugly, lonely people. I might need to be extra dismissive and elitist to all my customers for a while just to work through my jealousy.”
Punk historian Jenny Patterson says that although rare, there have been hot couples throughout the history of punk, but noted that they are often shunned by their unattractive peers.
“If you go back to the ‘70s era, you could argue Sid and Nancy were the original hot punk couple and were ostracized from the true London punks of the day,” said Patterson. “The problem most of these hot punk couples face is that since they are aesthetically beautiful on the outside, they ostensibly have had an easier life than your average mediocre-looking person who gets into this kind of music. The punk ethos is built around the DIY mindset, and it’s tough for many to believe that attractive people do anything for themselves.”
At press time, the hot couple was seen at an anti-ICE protest and were asked by other protestors to put masks on — not to hide their identity from authorities but so that no one feels bad about themselves.
