Goddamnit. Our newest employee, Jake, completely assured us that he could manage our calendar without any slipups, and our stupid asses believed him. We should have known not to trust him after we saw him doing whippets in the parking lot before his shift started, but he successfully got his computer booted up, so we thought he had everything in order.
Imagine our surprise when we arrived at our interview with questions for H.R., only to run into “Third Rock From the Sun” actor French Stewart. Below is the transcript from our interview, if you can even call it that:
The Hard Times: Hey, uh…great to see you!
French Stewart: Likewise!
HT: Um, what have you been up to lately?
FS: Well, I recently starred in the movie “Killing Mary Sue”, and I’m just taking a little break before starring in my next role, which I can’t announce yet.
HT: Oh, you’re acting now?
FS: …yes.
HT: So are you taking time off from singing to do this?
FS: Excuse me?
HT: OK, you’re not the lead singer of Bad Brains, are you?
FS: No, of course not.
HT: Fuck! Goddamnit, Jake. Alright, well, do you have any thoughts on the D.C. hardcore scene of the early eighties?
FS: Sorry, I have absolutely no clue what that is.
HT: Hmm, well, you do look vaguely familiar. What might we have seen you in?
FS: Well, most people recognize me from “Third Rock From the Sun”.
HT: Yeah, that’s it. Shit. We never watched that though. Maybe the last few minutes of an episode here or there while waiting for a “Simpsons” rerun. Well, it was nice talking to you, man!
FS: Likewise. I really hope you guys get your shit together so you don’t waste anybody else’s time.
There you have it. Please direct any ire you have at Jake, because unfortunately, he’s still employed at The Hard Times, seeing as how we can’t fire him because he’s the only person here who has a car. Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with, according to Jake, Henry Rollins, although we suppose it could be fucking anybody. We really have no choice but to prepare our questions and hope for the best at this point.
