DENVER — Local math-ska band Honkzonga recently wasted theirs and everyone else’s time while trying to impress the headliner for a show they somehow conned their way onto, sources who think that actually went pretty well confirmed.
“We don’t get asked to play a lot of shows, so we really wanted to show that we know what we’re doing and are professionals. And we figured what better way to do that than to let the headliner check out our extensive, some might say excessive tuning process,” explained Honkzonga bass player Freddy Plemmons. “I think we really blew them away! Some people were so impressed they couldn’t even make eye contact with us — some even left the venue to smoke what I assume were celebration cigarettes.”
Despite the band’s self-assurance, audience members were less enthusiastic about the tuning process seemingly designed as some sort of Jigsaw-esque punishment.
“Math-ska tuning: I didn’t know this level of hell existed,” remarked showgoer Glen Henderson. “I’m jaded enough to have accepted that local shows are always going to be a bit of a technical minefield, but this felt like a stress that went out of control. It was worse than the time I went to a folk punk show and they spent twenty minutes trying to get the right levels in the monitor for the saw player.”
Headlining band Blood Butt and the Stool Softeners gave their perspective on the tone adjustment holocaust they had to witness.
“It was amazing! Oh my goodness, how are we not the ones opening for those guys!” said genuinely enthusiastic Blood Butt frontman David “Fissure” Clark. “I mean, the way they just kept on tuning and tuning and tuning without stop — they must be real professionals. Sure it set the whole show back by six hours and now we’re gonna miss the next tour stop because of it, but fuck Iowa City anyway. This was worth it!”
At press time, members of Honkzonga were compiling a highly detailed and specific list of needs that they’re sure the sound guy at their next show will be thrilled to implement for them.
