LOS ANGELES — Ticketmaster announced a new policy where they will charge customers an extra tax if their favorite acts play any of their hits at concerts, according to angry sources already waiting to speak to customer service about other stupid-ass fees.
“Treating our customers with the utmost respect is what we’re all about,” stated CEO Michael Rapino as he instructed a venue security guard to aggressively pat down a blind veteran he suspected of trying to sneak in a bottle of water. “That’s why we’re excited to announce an innovative new fee that will only be charged if your fav artist plays any songs at their shows that have ranked in the Billboard Top 100 or were ever popular by any metric established by us. We feel this is the fairest way for fans to enjoy shows and at the same time help to bump up our stock price. It’s a win-win.”
A local fan who just purchased tickets to a concert offered their take on this new tax.
“Is this a joke?” said a perplexed Curtis Spezza. “I just paid out the ass to see Green Day, and now you’re telling me that I’m going to have to pay even more if they play ‘Basket Case’ or ‘Minority’? I’d say I was surprised but knowing how much this company already treats their customers, I’m definitely not. I blew all the money I have on this show and can’t afford to spend anymore, so I guess I’ll just hope and pray they play bullshit songs like ‘Drama Queen’ instead.”
Industry expert Joanne McGivens explained that revenue-generating add-ons like this were just the beginning.
“If history has proven anything, it’s shown that Ticketmaster is above the law and can basically do anything they want with impunity,” McGivens said. “If you think that’s bad, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. They’re also planning to charge fans extra if the lead singer shouts out their home town, if any band members walk onstage wearing a local sports jersey, or even if anyone decides to play with that beach ball bouncing around in the crowd.”
At press time, Ticketmaster announced they were also in the works in creating a system to retroactively charge an additional fee if musicians play any songs that fans lost their virginity to.
