So you just got to the Whitechapel concert, and you noticed there’s a cute girl standing by herself off to the side. She looks to be about your age and definitely seems like your type. You mentioned her to your friend, and he suggested maybe complimenting her Bodysnatcher shirt as a way to strike up a conversation and get to know her as a person.
Well, your friend is a pussy, and doesn’t know the first thing about women.
Nah, we’re going to teach you how to handle this situation the right way. It’s obvious by her choice in music that this girl is turned on by masculinity, so what better way to demonstrate yourself as an exemplar of this than by taking off your shirt? I mean, you were clearly planning on doing that at some point, anyway, so what’s the harm in making sure it’s during the opening band and in her line of vision? It kind of sucks that she won’t get to catch a glimpse of the sick Falling in Reverse logo with the tour dates on the back, but whatever. She’s gonna go fucking apeshit over your pecs, so no biggie.
There you go, and make sure that crucifix tattoo you just got on your left bicep is fully visible. Fuck yeah, she probably can’t get enough of it. Only problem is, it’s kind of chilly in here. You’ve usually been hitting the pit for a while by the time you’ve partially disrobed, so you’d better get in there now to warm up. Just make sure she can see you fucking destroying everyone who thinks they can step to you. Don’t forget to boorishly walk through everyone in your path as you make your way to the pit, too. Saying “excuse me” or gently putting your hand on people’s shoulders as you brush past is for fucking soyboys, and she knows it.
Now’s the final, most crucial step of the process. You need to start fights with fucking everybody. We know this is a moshpi,t and people are supposed to run into you, but it’s time to start taking it like a personal insult. Matching other people’s good-natured slams with inordinate force will show her that you’re the fucking alpha in this venue. You keep this up, and she’ll be all over you while you’re picking strangers’ teeth out of your fist in no time. So what are you waiting for? This concert’s not going to ruin itself!
