UPPER MARLBORO, Md. — Wayne and Heidi Stevens intend to wait out the US’ burgeoning authoritarian regime by consuming an abundance of TV shows, according to sources within their Nextdoor network.
“We usually try to stay informed on current events, but I think we’re going to sit this one out,” said Mrs. Stevens while drawing the living room curtains. “Things are getting a little heavy out there, so we’re just going to hunker down with some great shows—preferably those with lots of seasons—and wait for the dust to settle. We’ve got every streaming service there is. Right now we have a list of about five years worth of programming to burn through. If the nastiness lasts longer than that, well, we can always force ourselves to like anime.”
Mr. Stevens says they’ll have to dig deep to find enough shows since they watched so many while riding out the last catastrophe.
“We binged a shitload of TV during covid. I know some people baked bread or learned a language or got in shape, but we just watched shows,” said Mr. Stevens. “We were watching so much TV that we had to Doordash Visine on more than one occasion. Now we’re more prepared—we’ve got several cases of eye drops and microwave popcorn in the garage. We went through all the major shows during that period: ‘The Sopranos,’ ‘Breaking Bad,’ ‘Mad Men,’ ‘Battlestar Galactica,’ ‘The Wire’…twice. So now we’re having to broaden our horizons. Looks like the ‘Yellowstone’ extended universe could carry us through a few months at least.”
Civil rights activist Alejandro Jiménez argues that it requires enormous privilege to be able go unnoticed during authoritarian crackdowns.
“Gee whiz, I sure hope that this boujee caucasian couple doesn’t get bored or run out of shows! That would be the real tragedy of all this,” said Jiménez. “Nevermind that people who look like me are being abducted off the street by masked paramilitary agents. We need to make sure upper middle class whites like the Stevens aren’t inconvenienced. My cousin just got kidnapped by ICE. I think he’s in a prison camp in Louisiana now. Or maybe El Salvador—who knows? That being said, they should totally check out La Casa de las Flores. Great show.”
At press time, the couple were reportedly excited to learn of “Trăsniții,” a Romanian sitcom with over 1,300 episodes.
