TORRANCE, Calif. — Up-and-coming hardcore band Loaf High are fending off critics after releasing a new batch of promo pictures that depict them wearing merch from other bands infinitely better than them, confirmed sources.
“I used to be all about getting recs from some dude with gauges big enough to fist, but I think those guys are all either dead, deaf, or too busy watering their succulents now. So, now I see which bands end up on the shirts of these new kids doing their first ever photoshoot and decide if they deserve a shot,” said scene veteran Hassan Batma. “These guys had the fucking Mount Rushmore staring back at me. Mindforce, Scowl, DRAIN, and Sunami? But when I played Loaf High’s EP, it sounded like dogshit, doodoo, poop, and feces. How does that even happen? Fuck the government and fuck snitches, but I am this close to reporting them to the FTC for false advertising.”
Members of Loaf High doubled down on their decision to proceed with the photos.
“Look, we get it. You think we suck ass. You think we’re giving the bands on our shirts a bad rap because we’re associating ourselves with them. That’s all fine. Just please, stop DMing us links to the Foo Fighters merch shop,” said Loaf High drummer Natalie Grossman. “Whatever you may think of us, just know that this is our dream. No one cared about our music review blog in 2017, so we had to pivot to making music, in the hopes that one day, someone would care about our music recs. It’s like that one saying, a pimple-faced teen ignored by the scene will watch it burn to feel its warmth or whatever.”
The photographer behind the band’s infamous promo picture has also broken their silence, following multiple threats online.
“Oh boy, I knew this was gonna be trouble when I accepted the job. I tried warning them, I told them to change it up. There’s nothing wrong with a young hardcore band taking pictures wearing striped cardigans and scarves. But they wanted to look tough. So I says to them, lose the scarves, add a fedora and boom, you’re Al Capone!” said part-time JCPenney’s photographer Boris Dabrowski. “They didn’t like that neither. Last resort, I beg them to switch to ironic band t-shirts. Like, what if they wore a Hannie Montanie shirt or like a vintage Michael Bublé ‘Crazy Love’ era tee? You know, something to temper the audience’s expectations. Ah, but what do I know? It’s not like I’ve been doing this shit for 45 years.”
At press time, members of Loaf High were drawing straws to see who would have to model their own merch.
