Remember your middle-school classmate Bryce Hepfeldt? He sat behind you in 7th grade Pre-Algebra and often entertained you with Stone Cold Steve Austin catchphrases and Jonathan Davis “Freak on a Leash” impersonations. Well, are you ready to hear something ironic? He used to wear “No Fear” shirts almost exclusively, despite the fact that he’s now terrified of cities, immigrants, and trans people.
Whoa!
That’s right! The supposedly fearless kid with phrases like “IF WE’RE KEEPING SCORE, WINNING IS THE ONLY THING” and “IF IT HAS WHEELS OR A SKIRT, YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT” emblazoned across his chest, along with the brand’s signature phrase, is now inexplicably terrified of every boogie man right-wing media has conjured for him! As a result, his completely irrational fear from Fox News’ laughably exaggerated crime reports on cities has him scared shitless of nearby Omaha, despite never having left his hometown of Bellevue, Nebraska. Not to mention his almost daily Facebook status updates demonstrating his absurdly misinformed views on trans people, in which he warns his loved ones of the supposed danger of having them compete in high school sports, despite him having absolutely no knowledge in the subject or even any apparent interest in athletics.
Man, he certainly did not grow into the intrepid warrior his wardrobe once suggested he would become!
Will Bryce ever heed the advice that was printed on his favorite shirts all those years ago, or will he continue pickling his brain with the preposterous bullshit the right-wing media ecosystem feeds him to keep him frightened, angry and engaged? Just last week, Bryce posted a video to his Instagram about his concern that “illegals” would somehow be skewing the results of the 2026 midterm elections simply by voting, so we’re unfortunately not optimistic.
Given our country’s current state of shocking democratic backsliding (due in no small part to the lies constantly being fed to us by our elected officials and social media algorithms) Bryce may very well be a prisoner to his irrational fears for the rest of his life. We hope we’re wrong, and you may once again happen upon the gallant knight who used to sport the phrase “HOLD MY TROPHY WHILE I KISS YOUR GIRLFRIEND” across his chest, but only time will tell.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
