WASHINGTON — President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the “Very noisy, not very talented” Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.
“I love music, a lot of people say I’m one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Philharmonic, but when I auditioned they actually said ‘Mr. Trump, you are just too talented, the audience wouldn’t be able to handle it.’ So I quit right then and there and decided to become a billionaire, and that was easy,” said President Trump. “My main goal as president is to keep America safe, that is why today I’m deploying the FBI, CIA, and elite Marine units to eliminate the threat of Franz Ferdinand touring again on American soil. These dudes, and they are really bad dudes, played a lot of concerts during the Obama years, and we can’t let those radical leftist politics become the norm.”
Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos was surprised by Trump’s remarks.
“Honestly, I’m surprised he’s even heard of us. I thought he only listened to Village People and Kid Rock. But I’m taking this threat very seriously, I’m avoiding public spaces, I’m not letting anyone else prepare my food, and I’m definitely not taking a ride in my 1910 Gräf & Stift Bois de Boulogne phaeton,” said Kapranos. “The rest of the band members are in an undisclosed location waiting out the storm, and also writing some new music. I’ve heard some of the recordings, it’s a fun electropop throwback sound that I think a lot of people are going to enjoy, unless we are killed of course.”
Barnard College History Professor Angela Lyston believes this is Trump distracting from topics plaguing his administration.
“President Trump’s administration is still facing lots of criticism because they haven’t released the Epstein files, the start of another World War might be just the thing he needs to get that monkey off his back. Right now, Russia is under a lot of pressure from Europe to end the war in Ukraine, but this could play right into the President’s hands if a Grammy-nominated band is assassinated for political gain,” said Lyston. “Thankfully for the guys in Franz Ferdinand it seems like DOGE cuts have really limited the killing capacity of the US black ops.”
At press time, President Trump is reportedly ready to build up America’s Air Force by ordering hundreds more albums by the B-52s.