WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhinged press conference earlier today.
“It’s time we as a nation stop glorifying woke garbage and start honoring the real artists who helped make America the greatest culture in history! That’s why I’m using the power entrusted to me by myself to add two performers to what was already the greatest lineup of Kennedy Center honorees!” said Trump, gesturing to the animatronic toys. “As you can see, both gentlemen are with me today, and they are so grateful for what I’ve done for them that they’ve actually collaborated on a new piece in my honor!” The president proceeded to press the on button for the Coke can and the singing bass at the same time and began to weep to a mashup of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)” and “Take Me to the River.” “This is the national anthem now,” added Trump through tears of admiration.
Propaganda Minister Pam Bondi was quick to deflect accusations that the President’s choices were crass, tasteless, and out of touch.
“The Kennedy Center can only honor so many artists per year, and the President did not choose his selections lightly,” assured Bondi. “The can was a shoe-in from the start, but for many weeks it was a dead-heat between the bass, Kevin Sorbo, and the ‘time to make the donuts’ guy. Then Sorbo made the mistake of questioning how the President’s uncle could have taught the Unabomber, and was immediately disqualified. In the end, the President went with the performer who looked the least Hispanic, and the entire cabinet is behind him in that decision.”
The President’s choices for honorees have been met with heavy criticism from the arts world, notably from former Kennedy Center Chairman Deborah Rutter.
“As if Rocky and KISS weren’t embarrassing enough, now we’re honoring the artistic contributions of gauche inanimate objects, ” said Rutter. “It’s very in vogue to compare Trump to Adolf Hitler, but these selections debunk that completely. Hitler, for all his sins and flaws, understood art and culture.”
According to sources, the President’s choices have even drawn criticism from fellow honoree Gene Simmons, who claims the dancing coke can “totally cockblocked” him at Whisky a Go Go in 1986.