NEW YORK — International sensation the Jonas Brothers announced that since doing away with the chastity rings that they wore as Disney Channel heartthrobs, the trio have upgraded to wearing cock rings at all hours of the day, confirmed sources.
“We can’t thank you all enough for growing up with us, and being right alongside us at every step of our journey over the years,” said frontman Nick Jonas while adjusting his crotch area. “As proof that we and our kinks are always evolving, we have dedicated ourselves to having the strongest erections possible. When we were kids, there were constant jokes being made about the chastity rings that we wore to signify our purity. Well, let me assure you, all three of us are having sex with our wives and girlfriends constantly. Almost weekly now. And to prove it, we’ve committed ourselves to wearing cock rings from this point on!”
Vocalist and guitarist Joe Jonas elaborated on the group’s decision.
“For me, it’s like, there’s just something about it that adds to that energy once we’re onstage,” Jonas stated. “I can’t really describe it. It’s just one more thing that bonds the three of us as brothers. Now I can’t speak for the other guys, but mine…vibrates. Sophie actually still has the remote, so whenever I feel some friction down there, I know she’s watching me and deciding to give me a little stimulation.”
Eldest brother and lead guitarist Kevin Jonas shed more light on the reactions of the brothers’ partners to the news.
“I was totally against the idea at first. I was like, ‘Guys, that’s a boundary that we just shouldn’t cross.’ Plus, I’m more of an anal bead guy myself,” Jonas said. “But then I asked Danielle about it and she was super enthusiastic. Her eyes actually sort of lit up when I mentioned it, and she was nodding along vigorously as I described the idea. It’s been nothing but a positive for the two of us at the end of the day.”
At press time, the pop rock band was posing for a Rolling Stone photoshoot, pulling the waistbands of their jeans down just enough so the shiny metal rings were visible.