EASTON, Md. — Local misogynist Bryce Turner is starting to suspect that he, in addition to MSNBC, are to blame for his inability to convince a woman to be in his presence for even a second longer than absolutely necessary despite dozens of first dates, confirmed sources.
“I used to think it was just Rachel Maddow, and the rest of the liberal propaganda machine,” quipped Turner. “But then I realized it was maybe 10% my fault, and that I had just been projecting too much dominant energy during my dates. Look, it’s no secret females are intimidated by alpha males such as myself. I mean, showing her my Pantera fan fiction Substack, AND pictures of my guns within the first 15 minutes of meeting her must have been pretty intense. Plus she didn’t laugh at any of my jokes that I mainly took from Joe Rogan’s standup special. I should probably dumb them down, so the next one understands them. All in all, I’m proud of myself, though. It takes a strong man to look at himself in the mirror. I bet Anderson Cooper has never done that.”
One of Turner’s dates couldn’t be more turned off by him.
“He kept mentioning how much he hated CNN, and that I was one of the good ones,” said Courtney Landis. “In his Tinder profile, he said he wanted to be my knight in shining armor, which I thought was kind of cute, in an old fashioned way. But then he showed up wearing chainmail and carrying a broadsword. At first I was like ‘OK he’s eccentric. I can work with this.’ But then he rambled for over an hour about the Crusades, and how awesome it was that women weren’t allowed to go on them.”
Turner is not without hope, however.
“I’ve worked with men like Bryce before, and his path to rehabilitation is exceedingly narrow,” said relationship coach, Sarah GIlbert. “The only thing I can do for men as far gone as him is recommend a large dose of psychedelics. I’ve been helping men make personality adjustments for years, but for men like Bryce, the only hope he has is to experience ego death from a heroic dose of LSD or Ketamine. This will literally shatter his ego, and completely reshape his personality. A complete factory reset if you will.
At press time, Turner finally scored what he considers a second date, by following an earlier date to their favorite coffee shop and covertly reading Ayn Rand in the corner.