There I was, minding my own business, walking through the frozen food aisle at Stop & Shop, when the sweet sound of an A chord flew its way through the air and right into my pants. “Easy Lover” was playing, and Phil Collins had stopped singing long enough for the real show to begin — Daryl Stuermer’s guitar solo. Cleanup on aisle me!
It’s 8 am,and I’m only here this early because I forgot milk. I should not be gyrating in an empty aisle to ‘80s mom rock! Why is the store playing music this sexy this early? The college kids working here weren’t even born when this song came out. Hell, their parents were probably college kids, getting it on to this song! Oh god, does playing this music make it a Freudian thing?
Oh, and the video? Don’t even get me STARTED on him playing live in Berlin 1990 with Phil and the rest of the gang. That video has so much sex appeal it should be listed on PornHub. The way he thrusts his hips? Don’t let me around the gourd section right now unless you want to sell some discounted produce later.
God, I really need to get laid. What am I doing? Getting turned on at the grocery store? I am a 30-year-old woman! So what if my boyfriend dumped me 9 weeks and 3 days ago? My sexual stimulation should not be coming from the sweet serenading of Stuermer’s strumming layered on top of an announcement that Goya products are on sale.
Men: lemme tell you, they don’t make them like they used to anymore. Phil Collins? He could GET. IT. Those crazy print shirts, unbuttoned down to the bottom of their ribs? The right leather pants? The hair? It’s a good thing I’m in the frozen food aisle, because it’s getting a little toasty in between my legs right now.
Oh this isn’t good. What’s happening to me? Why is this suburban chain grocery store turning into a Magic Mike show? Why would they play music this sexy in the grocery store? Play classic music! Or elevator music! Play NPR for all I care! I can’t be this horny in public anymore! If Stop & Shop doesn’t take this jam out of rotation, I can’t be held responsible for my carnal actions because that solo has got a hold on me, believe it!