GREENVILLE, N.C. — Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Donaldson announced plans to expand his empire into the pharmaceutical market with new Plan B-eastables emergency contraceptive pills, sources confirmed.
“Unexpected pregnancy can be a pain, but what would happen if we turned Plan B into Plan D-licious? That’s why my new crunchable, craveable Plan B-eastables pills come in snackable flavors like birthday cake batter and peanut butter crunch. So next time you ‘Beast a Nut,’ don’t forget to grab Plan B-eastables,” said Mr. Beast, locking his unblinking shark eyes on the camera. “And you know this wouldn’t be a Mr. Beast video without a challenge, so I’m giving away a box of Plan B-eastables to the first 1,000 people that bring me a positive pregnancy test. But here’s the twist—you have to figure out how to overcome a jungle obstacle course on this remote volcano island to reach me!”
Pro-choice advocate Dr. Olivia Robinson had mixed reactions to the announcement.
“While we sincerely appreciate Mr. Beast’s efforts to support nationwide reproductive healthcare during a time when women’s bodily autonomy is under threat, we urge people not to participate in his ‘100 Day Plan B-eastables Feast’ challenge or you will definitely die,” said Dr. Robinson. “Even if you accept his offer to give up $10k of the prize money to see an OB-GYN, we can pretty much guarantee your guts will fall out of your ass by day 15.”
Todd Cleary, spokesperson for pro-life group Angel Genocide Begins at Contraception, condemned the new pharmaceutical product line.
“I’ve been a longtime admirer of the way Mr. Beast locks people in coffins and subjects them to psychological torture, so I’m incredibly disappointed to see that he’s selling out to woke DEI feminist virtue signaling elites,” said Cleary. “Every blessed soul that is killed by Plan B-eastables is a child that was never given a chance to work in a factory, pay taxes, or compete for prizes in one of his YouTube videos. Instead of taking a life, why not uphold Christian values and let these kids grow up to be in a ‘100 Orphans, Last Child Standing Gets Adopted’ challenge video?”
At press time, Logan Paul challenged the 99 unadopted orphans to a boxing match.