PORT TOWNSEND, Wash. — Local mother Linda Varst reminded her drummer son to pack an extra pillow and blanket in his bass drum before he went out on tour, confirmed sources.
“You never know when you’ll need to dampen those overtones, tighten the sound, or have that extra bit of warmth while you’re touring Southern California,” said the mother of four before fully believing an AI image of Jesus Christ working at McDonald’s on Facebook was real. “I’ve already fixed him up three months’ worth of bologna sandwiches and cut the crusts off the bread just the way he likes it, dusted his cymbals and drumsticks, and purchased some new tour clothes for him from Kohl’s. But there’s only so much a mother can do for her children. At some point, they need to be on their own. That’s why I always try to prepare my kids by reminding them to pack their kick drums with necessities.”
Son Lukas Varst seemed more embarrassed by his mother than anything.
“Mom is constantly up in my business,” said the 23-year-old percussionist. “She’s always trying to interject herself in my band’s endeavors too. Just last week she made homemade brownies for everyone at practice. Sure, they loved it, but still. Then she offered to give the band a ride to get ice cream, even though we all have licenses and vehicles. I mean, that was sweet of her. Then of course she just had to take pics of us for her photo album. Actually, they came out so badass that we used them as promo pics. You know what? Maybe mom rules after all.”
Experts noted other instances where moms came through before tours.
“Mothers are really the backbone of every band,” said family counselor Daria Gleason. “Fred Durst’s mom always made sure he packed extra red baseball caps with him before he went out on tour with Limp Bizkit. Kiss’ moms let them use their makeup before every show. And the mothers of Slipknot would make extra hauntingly gruesome masks from scratch for the band before every tour to make sure they never ran out. Moms just know best.”
At press time, Mrs. Varst also reminded her son to pack extra underwear in the floor tom just in case he runs out.