Are you ready to feel the effects of aging at a natural rate? Well, get a load of this. This is currently the second financial crisis of my adulthood. Top that, kids.
And yet I’m already nostalgic for a simpler time when the Obama-based government was bailing out AIG for a collective $182 billion, unemployment was at 10%, and I could express my frustration for being poor through a well-timed meme on Tumblr. Can you believe that was only 15 years ago? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The S&P plummeted by 58%, three million households were foreclosed on, and everyone was getting a mustache tattooed on their index fingers. They were cataclysmic times. But we got through it together.
Now we have this whole new financial disaster to deal with, but I assure you youngins’ that this one is not nearly as cool as the previous one. Back then, we could all get hammered and play flip cup. Sobriety hadn’t been invented yet, and a little-known benefit of alcohol is that it makes you temporarily forget about how broke you are.
Since this isn’t my first financial crisis rodeo, I can impart some wisdom on you recession virgins. First up, you’ll want to get a second and third job. This will diversify your exhaustion. But hey, at least you’ll have more than one income stream. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be enough to live on. But if I’ve learned anything about existence, it won’t.
It all feels like only yesterday that the last economic 9/11 happened. Time sure does fly between financial disasters. At this rate, I’ll have to endure another four or five more, but at least in the end I’ll get to die. Thankfully, there is no NASDAQ in the afterlife.