We all know representation matters. Whether it’s in the workplace or in our favorite movies and television shows, it’s important to give marginalized communities a voice in all aspects of society. This works in everybody’s favor, as the inclusion of heterogeneous perspectives in business, academia, and art invariably yields better results.
So there have been calls to up the diversity in your local metal scene, and you only just now realized that it’s comprised exclusively of white men in their twenties and thirties. Who would’ve thought that such a purposely unpleasant style of music would have such a narrow fandom? Anyway, this task might prove too difficult for your fellow Watertown, South Dakota headbangers, so here’s a guide to finding a weird old guy who moshes. We’re going to be completely honest in telling you that’s likely the best you’re going to be able to do here.
Start at the local firehall, where all the weird old guys like to pound shitty beers on weekday nights. Play some old AC/DC on the jukebox and see who gets into it. Any old drunk whipping out the air guitar to “Hells Bells” would surely be open to moshing at 0.75 speed while flailing his arms about unconventionally the next time Deicide comes to town, so find your guy and hand him a flier! Make sure you sweeten the deal beforehand by making sure all venues in your area have plenty of Busch Lite on hand, and a Blue Lives Matter flag outside their front doors certainly wouldn’t hurt.
Following the above steps should prove invaluable to getting one or two weird old guys at the next show, but how do you get them to mosh once they’re there? The answer is painfully simple: beer beer beer! It’s a known fact that the older you get, the more invaluable booze is to getting you in the moshpit. How else can you rationalize slamming into strangers over the death growls and blast beats of Suffocation and Dying Fetus when you’re at the age at which sleeping wrong can somehow throw your back out? Make sure your weird old guy is constantly hitting the sauce during the opening bands, even if it means dipping into your own coffers to make sure this is accomplished. After all, the beer this dude likes is dirt cheap, so don’t let the financial hit stop you, and be sure to keep your eyes on the prize. At this rate, he’ll be sure to throw down and hop in once Decapitated plays the opening riff of “Spheres of Madness.”
Success! You may not have an actually diverse metal scene, but you can at least kind of claim to now that your weird old guy is wheezing his way around the circle pit. Having somebody to awkwardly avoid for fear of causing a stroke or heart attack is the first step in your local scene becoming a beacon of diversity that those in other towns can only hope to aspire to, so give yourself a pat on the back in knowing that you’ve put forth more of an effort in being inclusive than 99% of others in the metal community. Great work, and stay tuned for our introductory CPR course for when your weird old guy inevitably collapses during a wall of death!