We’re big classic rock fans here at the Hard Times, so it naturally follows that we love genre stalwarts Led Zeppelin. From the trailblazing drumwork of John Bonham to the often insufferable crooning of Robert Plant, we can’t get enough of the band our dads think is the epitome of all music made in the last century. As such, we thought we’d have a little fun with this article and present you with a quiz concerning the only two subjects Led Zeppelin’s music ever covered.
You may be a fan yourself, but do you know them enough to excel in our little quiz? Give it a shot, and see if you can discern whether the following lyrics are about Lord of the Rings or fucking!
Question: “Hey baby, oh baby, pretty baby, move me while you do me now” – from “Black Dog” (Led Zeppelin IV, 1971)
Answer: Lord of the Rings
If you guessed “fucking”, you were way off! This excerpt from the hottest song on every Boomer’s Facebook feed was unquestionably written as a clear personification of the Ring and its allure to the Hobbits as they flee the Nazgûl by cutting through the Old Forest at the beginning of “The Fellowship of the Ring.” It’s actually kind of upsetting that you would infer a sexual connotation from Frodo and his pals narrowly avoiding death as they escape invisible wraiths. Maybe you should talk to someone about that?
Question: Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love, I’m gonna give you every inch of my love” – from “Whole Lotta Love” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)
Answer: Lord of the Rings
You said “fucking” again, didn’t you? What the hell is wrong with you? It’s well-known that this lyric explores the deep fraternal love that Sam feels for Frodo as he rescues him from the tower of Cirith Ungol after having believed him dead from Shelob’s attack. This is a love that each of the two feels with every inch of his being. Sam thought his best friend was dead, for Christ’s sake. Can you get your mind out of the gutter for one measly second of your miserable, Onanism-centric existence to appreciate that? Ugh, on to the next one.
Question: “The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right outta bed” – from “The Lemon Song” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)
Answer: Lord of the Rings
It’s Lord of the Rings. It’s so clearly Lord of the Rings. “Fall right outta bed” refers to Gandalf falling into an abyss in the Mines of Moria after the gang is attacked by a Balrog. Luckily, Gandalf ultimately survives, and thank God for that, but the Hobbits didn’t know that at the time. Honestly, we’re starting to think you might be a hardcore deviant or something. Remember in the first question, when we suggested you talk to someone? It’s no longer a suggestion. We’re telling you that you need to stop taking this quiz and immediately see a psychotherapist.
Question: “Put on your night shirt and your morning gown, you know by night I’m gonna shake ‘em all down” – from “Custard Pie” (Physical Graffiti, 1975)
Answer: Lord of the Rings
Why are you even still here? You need to be getting help.
Question: “‘Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor I met a girl so fair, but Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her” – from “Ramble On” (Led Zeppelin II, 1969)
Answer: Fucking
This is an obvious allusion to a common sexual position, and you must be some kind of puritan if you don’t recognize it. We won’t go into the details, and really, if you’re an adult, you should already be aware of them. Suffice it to say we were surprised when we saw such a bawdy lyric come from the usually Middle Earth-minded rockers, but it served as a good reminder that they’re not as much of a one-trick pony as the questions before this might’ve intimated.
Well, there you have it. How did you do? Sound off in the comments and let us know, and be sure to stick around for our upcoming lyrics quiz about Aerosmih’s 1989 hit “Love in an Elevator!”