So you’ve found yourself at a Desolated show, and you want to be certain that nobody other than you gets to enjoy the performance. What’s a better way to go about this than crowdkilling? For those of you fortunate enough to not be in the know, this is the practice of hurling yourself, arms swinging, into the parts of the crowd that aren’t participating in the moshpit in the hopes that you injure some of your fellow concertgoers. What is the point of this, you ask? Fuck if we know, but we’d like to use our platform to make sure that, if you’re enough of a worthless pile of shit to participate in this unfortunate behavior, you at least adhere to some kind of code. As such, here are 6 tips to ensure you’re crowdkilling in a humane and ethical manner.
1. Safety First!
Your mission here is to harm other people who’ve never wronged you in any way, not to injure yourself. Crowdkilling can be physically exhausting, especially when your existing workout routine is limited to playing Fortnite and drinking Rockstars. Prep for a week beforehand by jogging to the liquor store down the block instead of driving to make sure your lungs can handle the extra effort of throwing yourself into a group of bystanders, and make sure you stretch beforehand. That concussion you just gave some poor 19-year-old girl will be paltry recompense for a pulled hamstring.
2. Fair Chase Principles
You don’t want to have an unfair advantage over your target, so make sure they are facing you while not hunched over their phone or engaged in conversation before you sucker punch them in the face for no goddamn reason. After all, everybody knows there’s nothing noble in hurting someone whose back is turned as they’re heading to the bar or restroom. You may be here to ruin the night of everybody who came here to enjoy some music with their friends, but you’re certainly not here to do so in a shameful and dishonorable fashion.
3. Respect Your Prey’s Property
Sure, you may be about to shatter someone’s jaw because they decided to leave the house and peacefully attend a concert, but there’s no reason to do it right after they’ve returned to the crowd while holding a full bottle of Labatt Blue. The same goes for phones. We don’t want the constant fear of being pummeled by a scum-sucking, attention-seeking loser like you to preclude people from taking video so they can remember this night going forward, so please wait politely for them to put their phones back in their pockets before you charge into them like some sort of frenzied, button-masher-controlled Ryu. We all know how expensive iPhones are, so they’ll certainly appreciate your consideration!
4. Understand Physical Boundaries
Every venue has its own specific layout, and it is your duty as a crowdkiller to learn and be aware of it before you engage in this pathetic and socially backward activity. Therefore, the bar, ticketing desk, restrooms, and any potential dining areas are completely off-limits to you. Remember, you are a morally upstanding crowdkiller, and you will show your hunting ground the deference it deserves. Your innocent victims are certain to recognize this as they’re cowering in fear from your relentless and completely needless physical assaults.
5. Choose Your Crowdkilling Companions Wisely
Your dutiful adherence to the principles outlined in this article will mean nothing if your partner in crime is not also aware of them. Who’s going to recognize you as a thoughtful and responsible crowdkiller if your buddy just cracked some guy’s eye socket while he was washing his hands in the men’s room? We are only as good as the company we keep, so bear that in mind while searching for like-minded colleagues. Prepare ahead by searching for someone who exhibits such righteous behaviors as buying his 24 oz Arizona Iced Teas from the local Sunoco in lieu of stealing them, or thanking people after bumming a cigarette off them. A little extra effort here will work wonders when it’s time to team up and unleash on the poor bastards who were unfortunate enough to inhabit the same building as you.
6. Leave No Trace
Congratulations! You’ve sent three people to the hospital, made yourself a total pariah in your local scene, and potentially got the venue shut down, but please don’t forget to grab a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom to clean up the blood and dislodged teeth now congealing on the floor. It is up to you to make sure this place looks like it would have had you not been here making everybody around you absolutely fucking miserable. Future crowdkillers will see this and know to act accordingly, so be an example!
There you have it! You may be a pitiful, reprehensible excuse for a human being, but nobody can say you don’t follow some loose set of guidelines while you’re randomly beating up strangers. Be sure to share this article with your scuzzy, crowdkilling friends, and stay tuned for our upcoming guide on how to be the douchebag in the moshpit who takes off his shirt!