SAN FRANCISCO — Aaron Benet, CEO of tech start-up CodeVibe, sent a company-wide email explaining that he will be implementing a return to office policy immediately for the men and women he considers 8s and above, confirmed sources.
“This whole work from home thing wasn’t working for me anymore,” said Benet. “I hired a bunch of my employees based on looks, and it’s extremely difficult for me to see their bangin’ bods on Zoom. How are they being productive when they aren’t doing the one thing I hired them to do? Be hot. I know some will be upset by my decision, especially the uggos and boner-shrinkers, but this is what was best for the company, me, and my raging libido.”
According to insiders at CodeVibe, many employees are furious over the recent decision by their CEO.
“I am not a 6,” firmly stated Topher Ream, software engineer of CodeVibe. “It was disheartening to hear how little my boss thinks of me and my ability to get some. And no improvement plans were put in place for those of us who were deemed ‘too ugly’ to return to the office. That’s why I had to put my two weeks in. I can’t work for a man who doesn’t value me and the work that I have put into my face. But I’m sure some other CEO out there will.”
Sex expert Lidia Caan had some advice about what employees can do to avoid falling to a 7 or below with their CEOs.
“It is all about how you present yourself in the workplace,” said Caan. “Yes, you want to come off as professional but in a slutty way. Tightly fitted, short skirts. Dress shirts unbuttoned that reveal a little too much skin. No underwear. These are the things that CEOs will see and think, ‘Wow! I need this person and will be willing to risk my marriage for them.’ If you can do that, you’ll work your way up the corporate ladder until you’re the CEO judging people based on sex appeal.”
At press time, Benet was fired due to 33 separate HR violations filed against him on the first day of his return to office policy.