JERUSALEM — Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reportedly forced his weekly game night attendees to play Crimes Against Humanity for the twelfth consecutive Saturday, despite protests from family members and political allies who desperately wanted alternative entertainment options, sources who heard weary sighs from the Prime Minister’s residence confirmed.
“We can’t even get through a single game of Risk anymore,” said IDF commander Herzi Halevi, while stress-eating from a bowl of confiscated UNRWA rice. “Last time we tried, Bibi spent forty-five minutes arguing that the borders on the game board were ‘historically inaccurate propaganda.’ Then he pulled out a Sharpie and started redrawing territory lines until the board was completely unusable. We had to throw it away when he started claiming the Mediterranean coastline was all ‘contested waters’ and drew a security buffer zone through Egypt. Multiple Risk sessions ended with him immediately retreating his pieces to the American continent, despite repeated explanations that the U.S. cannot actually veto other player’s turns.”
Netanyahu’s enthusiasm reached its peak during the fourth round when he revealed what he considered a masterful strategic move.
“Everyone expected me to play the ‘Forced displacement’ card – such predictable thinking,” Netanyahu declared while adjusting his reading glasses and grinning. “I’ve been holding onto ‘Starvation as a method of warfare’ since the first hand. When you play it during the humanitarian aid round, it’s worth triple points. The key is timing! These amateurs always go for the obvious moves, but the subtle approach of restricting basic necessities is how you rack up points. It’s all about the long game.”
Rian Draper, creator of the controversial board game, announced an upcoming expansion pack with historical themes.
“We’re excited to release our ‘Oops! All War Crimes’ bonus cards for the holiday season,” Draper explained. “It features classic additions like ‘Smallpox Blankets,’ ‘Agent Orange,’ and ‘Belgian Congo Rubber Quotas.’ Players can also look forward to our new ‘Plausible Deniability’ mechanic where you can claim your war crimes were actually just military necessities. The expansion even includes updated terms like ‘International Guidelines’ instead of the outdated ‘International Law.’”
At press time, Netanyahu was seen taking copious amounts of notes while watching the film, “Get Hard.”