BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local man Greg Wachowski was surprised by an intense and emotional intervention regarding his refusal to shave his soul patch, concerned friends have confirmed.
“It’s been a tumultuous evening, but it was a long time coming. Ever since Greg grew this soul patch he’s become a different person, and we have to tell him point-blank how fucking stupid he looks. He’s tried to convince us he’s going for ‘edgy nu-metal frontman’ but he looks like a creepy magician. Not sure which is worse,” said intervention organizer Jane Williams. “He’s not taking it well, especially about how we don’t want to be seen with him in public. We can’t force him to get rid of it, but without help this will be a slippery slope to unironically wearing a fedora or bowling shirts with flames on them.”
Wachowski could not help but feel like he was being attacked over what was simply a personal choice.
“Rocking this soul patch isn’t a problem. The real problem is my so-called ‘friends’ lying about hosting a Korn karaoke night only to cry at me about my grooming habits. I like the soul patch, OK? I can’t have fun without it and it makes me feel invincible. And I can shave it off any time I want to, dammit,” said Wachowski after locking himself in the bathroom. “But no, I gotta be ballbusted about how I look like a villain from a bad ‘90s action movie, as if that were a bad thing. I don’t care that my brother is uninviting me to Thanksgiving, I’m not buying a razor. I’m totally in control of my facial hair!”
Intervention resource groups acknowledged that cringe-inducing style choices can impact lives similarly to substance abuse.
“When intervening with a loved one’s self-destructive behaviors, at least with drugs and alcohol, there are many treatment programs they can get checked into. Unfortunately when it comes to questionable fashion choices you have to practically beat it out of them. It’s a level of delusion that can’t be fixed with a methadone clinic,” said intervention specialist John Dorner. “Embarrassing facial hair is the toughest because it’s totally avoidable, yet usually attached to extremely stubborn people. I watched the hipster handlebar mustache trend in the early 2010’s tear families apart.”
Wachowski eventually agreed to shave after friends showed him a picture of Howie Mendel and said this was his future if he didn’t change his harmful lifestyle.