PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump drew the ire of the worldwide population after posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social at 2:37 a.m. this morning, multiple incredulous sources confirmed.
“Look, it’s just a fat little hippo. I prefer American hippos, full-sized, huge hippos that could eat three watermelons at once. The Democrats want all hippos to be tiny, and they want horses to be tiny too. I want to make animals big again,” said Trump. “People think Moo Deng is cute because she bites zoo keepers. Newsflash, that’s not cute. I bit at least four zookeepers last week and they didn’t find it cute, but they were honored. One of them, a former Marine, said to me, ‘Thank you Mr. Trump. Thank you for biting me, it was so much better than if a hippo bit me.’ This is true. Then he asked me to bite him again, but I wouldn’t do it. No more biting until I’m back in the White House.”
Some online fans of Moo Deng are saying this might be what sways them from voting for Trump.
“I don’t pay much attention to politics to be honest. I’ve had a bad string of luck lately, I lost my job working for the Parks Department, then I broke my ankle, which ended up getting infected, so I’ve been dealing with insurance for months. The only sliver of joy I have in my life is watching videos of Moo Deng be an absolute terror,” said undecided voter Emily Petty. “If anything happens to Moo Deng I might just fucking kill myself. So the fact Trump seems to hate her might be a deal breaker. I want a President who loves Moo Deng as much as I do. Honestly, it’s the only issue I care about, and I know I’m not alone.”
Political analyst Gretta Lipton believes Moo Deng’s astronomic rise in popularity could sway the election.
“Both candidates are in a dead heat right now. There is no way of knowing who is going to come out on top in November. If Moo Deng leveraged her celebrity status to endorse a candidate it could change everything. But she seems to be more interested in splashing around a small tub of water and refuses to pick a side,” said Lipton. “It’s irresponsible of Moo Deng, but that’s what we love about her to begin with. You cannot control Moo Deng, she plays by her own rules.”
At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered up a story about a time he fed four live monkeys to a captive hippo for some reason.