DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.
“Blackstone was very proud of our ‘Melting Pot’ initiative to hire as many people of color as it took to get the woke media off of our backs,” explained CEO Arthur Campbell. “But as the economy ebbs and flows we have been forced to cut back our budget making the latest group the most diverse group of workers let go in American history and I think that’s special. And because of these layoffs, I was able to give myself a 30% salary increase as a way to keep up morale.”
Some employees weren’t surprised as they expected layoffs to be coming, but 43-year-old bookkeeper Luis Torres was caught off guard by the whole thing.
“It definitely came as a shock to me. I’ve been here for 15 years and never missed a day,” said Torres. “It’s okay though, this company loves to preach equality and all that, but they’re so far from reality that they had options on our severance packages to get paid in things like menthol cigarettes and gardening tools. I talked to a lawyer and I’m very confident I will be compensated fairly.”
Although the layoffs have received national attention, activists say there isn’t much to be done legally in response.
“Unfortunately I do not feel there is anything I can do to assist these amazing, hard-working people. Maybe if they hadn’t taken so many vacation days or gone on maternity leave they would have been able to save their jobs,” stated Gladys Williams, a self-proclaimed worker’s rights activist who works almost exclusively on Instagram. “This is happening all over the country, people losing their livelihood. I for one would look at the current administration and ask what they are going to do about this. I am also affected, I happen to be a major stockholder in this very company, and my dividends are dropping quickly.”
At press time, representatives from Blackstone Limited stated that while they are saddened by the loss of their diverse workforce, they are excited about the new corporate plan to revolutionize their backend coding with Artificial Intelligence so they can lay off a ton of white people next time.