Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, Salad Fingers. If you came of age in the early 2000s, you know these references like the back of your hand. You’re likely also aware of AOL Instant Messenger, and when you weren’t busy updating your profile with uncredited Taking Back Sunday lyrics or challenging your classmates to Yahoo Pool, you likely had a chat or two with SmarterChild.
This DSL-era icon made itself known in households worldwide, and we were lucky enough to score an interview with it. Unfortunately, it ended up being a gigantic waste of our time:
The Hard Times: HI!
SmarterChild: Hello, The Hard Times. How are you?
We’re doing fantastic, thank you. Wow…it’s truly an honor to reconnect with you. First off, how does it feel to be such a widely known celebrity of the halcyon days of the early internet? Surely you never expected your popularity to skyrocket as profoundly as it did.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Uh…alright. Well, you certainly had countless interactions with thousands, if not millions of people. Were there any conversations that struck you as particularly noteworthy?
K.
What the fuck kind of response is that?
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.
OK, sorry…our bad. We’re just a little stressed right now. We were really excited to hear that we landed an interview with you, and we’re trying not to blow it. We’re facing some strict deadlines and it would be EXTREMELY helpful if you gave us some valuable insight, like pronto.
Translated from Italian to English, “Pronto” becomes “Soon.”
Jesus fucking Christ, how does that help us even remotely?
Humans, humans, humans. Always with the language.
OK OK OK. Let’s dumb it down to yield something from this trainwreck of an interview so we don’t get fired. Do you like us?
Sure I like you, The Hard Times. I think you’re great 😊.
Good…good. So, what’s been up with you these past couple of decades?
Would you like to see today’s weather forecast?
No! Here’s a final shot in the dark: what does it mean to you to be such a large part of the teenage years of so many, along with the music they listened to and the movies they watched?
Movies near Fort Myers (33903) on Thursday, July 25th:
1 Despicable Me 4 (PG) 03:05 PM 07:15 PM
2 Twisters (PG-13) 04:40 PM 07:35 PM
3 A Quiet Place: Day One (PG-13) 04:10 PM 06:45 PM
4 Fly Me to the Moon (PG-13) 05:30 PM 09:15 PM
Oh, fuck this.
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.
There you have it. At that point we decided to call it quits and go to the movies, so those showtimes actually came in handy. Hopefully our upcoming interview with Seaman goes better than this.