NASHVILLE — Local good samaritan Marvin Bell reportedly made bystanders uncomfortable today after he zipped up a stranger’s fly for him, weirded out sources reported.
“My father always taught me that whenever you see a stranger that needs help, you should always try to lend them a hand—like holding the door open even if they’re a little too far away, or picking a bit of spinach out of their teeth for them. So when I saw this young man out on a date that was unaware his zipper was down, I knew I had to leap into action,” said Bell, blowing air on the neck of a nearby sweaty man. “He was so grateful that he was speechless for a good five minutes! I just know that if I had my fly down or needed some sunscreen on my nose, I’d want a stranger to come to my rescue.”
Despite the good samaritan’s best intentions, local man Dave Patrick was left traumatized by the kind stranger’s helpful hand.
“Why didn’t he just tell me my fly was down? Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, smiling at me while he slowly zips the front of my pants. I’ve worn nothing but sweatpants since that day because I’m afraid he’s going to find me and do it again,” said Patrick, recalling the incident with his therapist. “After that, my date quickly excused herself to the bathroom and left me there, sobbing. I only realized she wasn’t coming back when I saw her Instagram story that said ‘new ick unlocked.’ I can’t tell whether the new ick was that my fly was down or that I left my guard down to allow a stranger to zip it up for me.”
Local bartender Phoebe McCarthy revealed that the good samaritan had been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks with random acts of awkward kindness.
“That guy is a menace, you look away for one minute and when you turn back around, bam! There he is, kneeling down while tying your shoes for you,” said McCarthy, instructing the bouncer to keep an eye out for him. “Hell, he’s scared off half my customers dabbing buffalo wing sauce off their cheeks. I know he means well, but you can’t just hang out in the bathroom waiting with paper towels to help people dry off their hands.”
At press time, Patrick had reportedly switched from sweatpants to yoga pants after the good samaritan snuck up behind him and politely tied his loose drawstrings into a bow for him.