LONDON — The Rolling Stones announced the addition of an 18-month old baby in a bid to lower the average age of the band’s members, according to starstruck infants who attended preschool with the newest Stone.
“Keith and I are both 80, and Ronnie, the previous ‘new kid’ is 77,” said frontman Mick Jagger while nearly being toppled by a light breeze. “There’s been some grousing about people not wanting to see a band whose members are as, let’s say, mature as us, so we brought in baby Nigel. Now our average age is about 59, and we feel younger already! Also, it doesn’t hurt that the birds are so infatuated with him. They line up and beg to meet Nige after the show. It’s been a while since any women under 60 have tried to get backstage.”
Lifelong fan Kip Dittman thinks the new member adds some much-needed vitality to the venerable band.
“I’ve been listening to the Stones since I was a kid,” said Dittman as he freshened his gin and Metamucil. “I think bringing some new blood into the group is a good idea. The guys are definitely slowing down, but just like every old person, they perk right up when a baby comes ‘round. I heard Nigel’s contract requires concerts to end by 7:00 p.m., which is just fine with me. That means I’ll be able to catch the new ‘Taskmaster’ after next week’s show if traffic is light.”
Rock journalist Penelope Rogers says this is just another in a long line of stunts that elderly bands pull in an attempt to remain relevant.
“I’ve seen a lot of desperate moves by aging bands, but this takes the cake,” said Rogers. “It’s typical for bands to perform their songs tuned down a step or two to compensate for an older singer’s diminished vocal range. Or, in the case of Iron Maiden, they pump the stage so full of fog you can barely see the band, much less how withered and frail they are. Once I saw Iggy Pop and I swear he was using binder clips on his back to pull his sagging skin tight…but a baby, really?”
At press time, Darryl Jones, the Stones’ nearly anonymous bassist since 1993, had been asked if all the attention baby Nigel was getting bothered him, stating “I don’t give a fuck as long as the checks keep coming.”