WASHINGTON — President Biden announced a new government plan that will provide all citizens a free state-issued pair of aviator sunglasses to combat the dangerous heat enveloping the country.
“Listen Jack, we want to keep everyone cool as a cucumber… maybe even cooler. That’s why I am passing the ‘You gotta look cool, to stay cool’ act. Starting immediately, every household will be given a voucher to any Sunglass Hut left in the US,” said President Biden while wearing a fresh pressed pair of Chinos, Huaraches sandals, and an XXL Tommy Bahama bowling shirt. “Now Americans won’t have to worry about their body boiling to death because they can’t afford to run an air conditioner, these glasses are going to keep you as cool as a refreshing malted milkshake from the soda jerk. Americans not wearing aviators will be under strict guidelines to isolate themselves and avoid all jazz and blues festivals for the foreseeable summer.”
Elizabeth Hubbard, a young mother of three, is looking forward to any form of relief from the heat.
“At first I was skeptical, like how are sunglasses gonna help protect people from dehydration, painful sunburns, and maybe even death, but then I saw the voucher was for name brand Ray Bans,” said Hubbard. “I had to Google it for a few hours, but I found a mall where I can redeem my vouchers just 350 miles away. I packed the kids in the car and we made the trip. Unfortunately the store had already run out when I arrived, so I camped out overnight and got a pair in the morning, the only problem was infants are issued adult-sized sunglasses, with no exceptions. So my youngest looks kind of silly, but if he survives the next heat wave he will grow into them.”
Meteorologist Mike Dunlap believes President Biden’s actions are insufficient considering the devastation that could occur.
“The president is not doing enough to keep everyone cool. If he wants to really make any dent in this crisis we’re gonna need some Kangol hats and Earth, Wind and Fire records… well, maybe not fire,” said Dunlap. “This is an existential threat. Drastic actions are needed immediately. We should have started this ten years ago by sending vintage motorcycles to every one of driving age to make sure everyone was cool enough to survive this. I’m afraid we might already be too late.”
At press time, former President Trump says he plans to prevent future heat waves by making a deal with the sun to only heat up countries that are enemies of the United States.