ANAHEIM, Calif. – Disney Adult and self-proclaimed “TikTok Foodie” Trisha McCormick knows where to get the best $45 chicken tenders at the price-gouging theme park, confirmed sources who took out a second mortgage to afford a family trip.
“They’re crispy, piping hot, and just the thing you need to put some pep in your step before fully immersing yourself in the most magical place on Earth,” said McCormick as she stopped at the ATM to sign her life over to the Mouse House. “And here’s the insider tip of the century: make sure you purchase the $28 souvenir cup, because the $7 refills basically pay for themselves! Ice will cost you extra, but the cubes are shaped like Mickey, and I don’t even know how they do that!”
Frugal father of three Terry Simmons wonders how he’ll ever financially recover from the family vacation that will surely bankrupt him.
“It’s absolutely ridiculous what they charge for basic amenities at this overpriced hellhole,” Simmons complained while Googling air fryer chicken tender recipes. “After paying for airfare, booking a hotel, and the horrifying price of admission, I’m maxing out all of my credit cards just breathing here. All three of my kids are under five, and they’d be just as thrilled to get a basket of nachos at the local Sheetz and take a couple trips through the car wash. But here I am blowing through their college fund so we can drop $150 on lunch.”
Disney CEO Bob Iger acknowledges the astronomical price points at Disney parks, but claims his hands are tied due to mounting operational costs.
“In order to keep these wonderful, magical parks open, there’s not much else we can do,” said Iger as he dried off his hands with hundred dollar bills in the Club 33 washroom. “Aside from writing off an unthinkable amount of intellectual property through impairment charges on the streaming front, we need to make sure that our margins remain solid. We could offer more affordable meal plans, but we’d have to cut corners somewhere else. And we don’t want to remove another 150 titles from Disney+ to close the gap, now do we?”
At press time, McCormick was spotted hosting a live stream, begging her followers for “honey mustard upcharge” donations.
Photo by Ken Lund