AUSTIN — Local punk Kyle Burnett’s annual Easter egg painting tradition took an interesting turn after he drove to a nearby police station to throw them at the building, sources with egg on their faces confirmed.
“Painting eggs is just therapeutic for me,” Burnett said before tossing one into a law enforcement vehicle’s windshield. “I spend all of Good Friday listening to my favorite Christian bands to get into the spirit, which is nice because I get to revisit Underoath’s early work. Then I invite my friends over to draw band logos and other cool shit on the eggs before getting in the car on Easter morning to chuck ‘em at pigs. Feels good to get out there and celebrate since I had to give up vandalism for lent.”
Officer Mike Richards was not amused by Burnett’s actions and plans to press charges for attempted murder.
“Oh, he paints all the eggs?” Richards said while removing eggshell fragments from his uniform. “I wouldn’t know that since I only see them after they hit me in the goddamn crotch. Don’t laugh at me. Some of those things were hard-boiled. If I hadn’t worn my bulletproof vest, that kid could’ve killed me. Some of the other officers think I’m overreacting because we found a few shells with skulls painted on them, but they weren’t even Punisher skulls. Those would have been much more respectful.”
Youth pastor and self-described Jesus expert Clay Driscoll offered a surprisingly more positive interpretation of the incident.
“Say what you will about the vandalism, but Kyle painting colorful eggs for our boys in blue is totally in line with what Jesus says about loving your enemies,” Driscoll said after leading youth group. “He’s tossing Easter joy straight through their windows even though they have to work during the holiday. That kind of gesture is sure to get him into Heaven when the time comes. Hopefully not soon, but worst case scenario, he’s logged enough community service hours to get past the pearly gates.”
At press time, the cops began their annual Easter egg hunt by cleaning up broken eggshells around the station.