SAN JOSE, Calif. — Meteorologists report that a 1,500-foot tidal wave created by a nearby ska band whose wind instrument section all emptied their spit valves at the same time is threatening to destroy the city, panicking sources confirmed.
“Usually when each band member goes one-by-one, it allows for just a harmless trickle of saliva that doesn’t upset the weather, just anyone whose fresh new Vans it might happen to drip on. But this? This is a natural disaster on par with some of the biggest hurricanes or tornadoes in recent memory,” pressed KTVU meteorologist Hailee Squires, as dopplers blared in the background. “We here at the newsroom advise anyone within the tri-county area to gather their loved ones, and any important belongings and pack it up. That’s right, you heard us: packituppackituppackitup!”
Band members of the group that incited the disaster, Checks Mark the Spot, are reportedly wracked with guilt over the situation.
“I’m beside myself. I got into music to make people happy, laugh, and maybe even skank a bit of their troubles away, not cause major property devastation just because I didn’t want my tuba to gurgle!” moaned Checks Mark the Spot sousaphone player Liam Breshcoat, as he packed up his various porkpie hats to flee the scene. “I’m just not used to witnessing our audience run for the hills, screaming in terror and begging for it to stop. Well, actually, now that you mention it, that’s the typical reaction to most modern ska sets, isn’t it? Well, at any rate, there’s usually a lot less drowning, I’ll tell you that much. I’m out of here.”
Longtime San Jose residents are largely set on evacuation, but there are a few rogue holdouts, such as 93-year-old Hennis McFurland.
“I’ve lived in this here shack through two dozen Warped Tours, and I ain’t about to move just because some rinky-dink ska band decided to let loose their honkers, I’ll tell you that much right now! I built this home with my bare hands and there’s no band ‘reel big’ or ‘reel tough’ enough to take it away from me,” said a gruff McFurland as he hammered boards over his windows. “I went through the same song and dance when a wave of Faygo took out my barn at the last Gathering of the Juggalos, and I lived to tell THAT tale. Bring it on.”
At press time, fleeing residents were alarmed to find out that, in true ska fashion, there are growing reports of a second wave.