LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed film director Sam Mendes announced that his ambitious portrayal of the Beatles, which will be told through four separate films focusing on each member, will feature drummer Ringo Starr mostly chain smoking and doing drum fills while the rest of the band argues.
“The Beatles are already the most documented band in history. For this project I wanted to portray their own personal perspectives and how they intersected at crucial moments in the band’s timeline. After pouring over hundreds of hours of music and footage, we found that 80% of Ringo’s tenure with the band involved killing time behind his kit while Paul and John over chords as George tried to get one song in edgewise,” said Mendes. “I’m not trying to diminish his contributions, but what else was he supposed to do other than dick around watching three massive egos battle it out in the studio?”
Starr himself was more than happy to let Mendes tell his story, but insisted there was much more than what would potentially be depicted on screen.
“Peace and love, peace and love. We haven’t even got to the casting part yet and already I’m a little wary about my side of the story. Yeah, I remember more than a couple dozen times when I’d make sure my drums worked while smoking an entire pack waiting for George to tune his sitar. But I hope they don’t gloss over the fact that I was a competent songwriter, whenever I was allowed to participate in the process,” said Starr. “I just hope in spite of all this that whoever portrays me ensures that he can capture the essence of how awesome I looked while smoking and not being toxic recording ‘Abbey Road.’ Peace and love.”
Prominent Beatles historians have already expected the film detailing Starr’s time with the Beatles to be pretty much accurate.
“There’s obviously more to Ringo’s life than replacing Pete Best and being the least cool Beatles member. If the movie delves into his early life growing up in the hardass Dingle neighborhood of Liverpool it would shed some light on his ability to deal with conflict. But other than that he kind of just hung out and waited to count off when the others stopped yelling and Phil Spector wasn’t brandishing a gun,” said music historian Reginald Fitzsimmons. “But hey, at the end of the day he’s the only member of the band who isn’t hated by anyone, so in the long run his legacy is secure.”
As of press time, Mendes clarified that Starr’s biopic would also spend a significant amount of its runtime showing him daydreaming about what life would be like being in the Rolling Stones instead.