LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local metal musician Draven Whitlock revealed this week that he completed a touching song combining his two greatest desires; an eternal relationship with his girlfriend and fucking a dragon, sources close to the passionate songwriter confirm.
“Sure, my girlfriend is great in her basic human form,” noted Whitlock. “She works tirelessly for a non-profit helping people in the community for little pay, has a great sense of humor, and shows me unconditional affection and love on a regular basis. But does she breathe fire and have huge sexy dragon tits? No. This ballad is a tale of love and what could be. It tells the story of a brave knight, who I loosely based on myself, scaling a mythic mountain to seduce the dragon. The mountain is loosely based on her old apartment which was at the top of a big hill, and then I had to walk up four flights of stairs.”
Upon completion of the fantastical composition, Whitlock performed the song for his girlfriend Jesse McDaniels.
“I’ve always been super-supportive of Draven and his musical endeavors, but this one kinda hit me on a personal level,” admitted McDaniels. “So like when he wrote, ‘Forged from Hell, Your fiery gaze empales, Our love but a dream, As I bust all over your scales,’ I couldn’t help but feel somewhat inadequate. I suppose I could get some horns surgically implanted or dragon wings tattooed on my shoulder blades, but this is all getting a little tiresome. I tried taking a glass to learn how to breathe fire but ended up burning off my eyebrows, so I’m kind of over this.”
Dr. Ingrid Axelsson says being in a relationship with a metal musician can be difficult.
“I see the same story play out over and over again,” said Dr. Axelsson. “It seems to be a common thread amongst metal musicians to anthropomorphize their loved ones in order to live out some lascivious fantasy. For example, I once had a former client who wanted to change her husband into some kind of half-man, half-Cthulhu creature. Patently ridiculous, of course. The tentacles alone would be highly impractical and cumbersome in the bedroom. My advice to their partners is simple. Run as fast as you can!”
At press time, Whitlock apologized to McDaniels and promised to modify the song to be about a more physically attainable creature such as a pixie or mermaid.