MINNEAPOLIS – Young musician Carrie Weaver miraculously discovered that the only way they can remain in awe of their grizzled punk mentor Karen Cunt is by pretending they haven’t heard a word they’ve said or learned of anything they’ve done in the last 15 years, confirmed multiple thriving sources.
“I feel so much better knowing I’ve figured out a way to still keep this special bond with someone I understand to be a despicable person. Is she still my favorite musician? Of course, absolutely. Do I follow her on social media or have I seen her on tour in the last 15 years? No way,” Weaver said. “If she does an interview I make sure I block any accounts that try to share it so I don’t accidentally see what she’s saying about politics, social issues, or even what television shows she likes. This is the only way I’ll still be able to enjoy the albums that got me through high school and college, don’t take this away from me.”
Despite Weaver’s detachment from Cunt, the older artist remains confident in their relationships with younger musicians.
“You know, a lot of musicians aren’t as keen as I am to give younger musicians advice. I’m really proud to see the way people I’ve mentored over the years are fucking rocking it. For so long they would scream and cry for my attention and now it’s hard to get a text back, even though I send them lots of helpful articles about the shit they put in our vaccines and how 5G messes you up,” said the singer-songwriter. “They don’t always answer, but you know how bad young people are at technology. I’m just glad I can still be so involved in shaping the next generation by sharing screenshots I found on Reddit with information they absolutely need to know before the lizard people take over.”
Rock critic and historian Erica Cruz is relieved that younger musicians are no longer taking cues from their predecessors.
“This is a really tricky time for young musicians, who basically have no choice but to make music completely derivative of their favorite artist and then pretend they never existed,” said Cruz. “I’m impressed by new, innovative ways and the lengths they’ll go to ignore news about this artist – be it loudly changing the subject when someone brings them up or even walking out of the room. I think it really bodes well for the future of rock and roll.
At press time, Weaver surrendered all her electronic devices and plans to move deep into the woods after hearing Cunt is planning a “no holds barred” comedy tour.