LOS ANGELES — Staff at the Melrose Avenue Denny’s location are beginning to openly question if the members of local punk band Governmatricide are using the corner booth they have occupied for the past 72 hours as permanent housing.
“I’ve been down this road before. These kids see a neon 24-hour sign and think their prayers are answered,” said veteran night manager Vanessa Melville. “Well, God don’t answer prayers and neither does Denny. They think they can handle the physical toll of eating breakfast all day, but they don’t know what they’re in for. They can sleep in shifts and take turns washing their hair in the bathroom sink, but I ain’t never seen anyone last longer than a week in this hell hole. A ska band made it six days back in ‘94, but the less I say about them the better. God rest their souls.”
Members of the band claim they are not moving in despite the booth being fully adorned with gear and dirty laundry.
“We’re just here to decompress after a show. We are all such big fans of the food here that it’s been tough for us to pull ourselves away,” said frontman Robert Canes, as he and his bandmates set up several instruments and a selection of sound equipment in the booth. “No big deal, we have a home to go back to. Nothing happened to it. It’s a fully functioning house and our landlord definitely isn’t trying to sue us for some sort of ‘freak explosion’ that leveled the property. I don’t even know what I’m saying. The pancakes here are so good they have my brains scrambled almost as much as the delicious eggs I plan on ordering in a few hours.”
Medical experts are beginning to more clearly understand the dangers of using diners as full-time housing.
“We’re seeing more and more musicians come through our doors suffering from scurvy and anemia,” said nutritionist Dr. Alejandro Rodreguiz. “Steak N Shake, Jack in the Box, Waffle House, all 24-hour chains are experiencing an influx of people putting down roots in their establishments. This poses a serious public health hazard. They’ve had some promising results at 24-hour Whataburgers with adding THC Redbull fruit smoothies to the menu, which provides these musicians with vital vitamin C.”
At press time, Denny’s staff was forced to call the police to help remove an improv troupe from the premises after they entered a seventh day of asking customers for a place, occupation, and a type of food.