If you’re anything like me, by which I mean anyone between the ages of 10 and 45 in 1995, then HBO’s docu-series Real Sex had a profound impact on the way you now masturbate to things that physically repulse you the second you’re done climaxing.
We thought it would be fun to revisit the series that permanently deviated our sexuality into objectively disgusting avenues forever. Unfortunately, the show is mysteriously missing from HBOmax.
In fact, one would be hard pressed to find evidence that Real Sex was ever on HBO or that it even existed at all. So okay, yeah HBO, I guess I go to a seedy fuck-machine competition in Reno every year now because I sought that shit out of my own volition. I guess I’M the fucking weirdo here, huh?
It’s so weird because my ENTIRE GRADUATING CLASS has this shared memory of being scarred permanently by clown sex and masturbation groups for the elderly because our hotel rooms had HBO during the 8th grade Washington trip but no, I guess we all just simultaneously IMAGINED the whole fucking thing, is that right HBO?
Here I am sitting back to back with my partner in the lotus position, me dressed as a giant baby and her as Fidel Castro, trying to make each other cum through tantric energies alone, under the impression that some EXTERNAL THING we saw on late night TV put this shit in our heads but no! I guess we’re just really fucking creative!
Oh, I know, maybe it’s a rights issue, like how they don’t have Tales From The Crypt because someone else owns The Crypt Keeper. Maybe that couple in San Francisco who owned that puppy-players exclusive bakery were someone else’s intellectual property, and that’s why it’s not on HBOmax with like literally everything else they’ve ever made including Arles. Oh they’re not? Well then what the FUCK HBO?!
If you’re going to turn an entire generation of people into incurable perverts disgusted by their own browser history, fucking OWN that shit. Star Wars took responsibility for the incest porn boom, now it’s HBO’s turn to do the right thing.