NEW YORK — Local insomniac Mike Robinson is celebrating the annual Daylight Savings tradition because he will have one less hour in the day to suffer through while trying desperately to fall asleep, confirmed sources close to the man who hasn’t had a decent nights rest in over a year.
“I’m gonna have so much more energy until November, or at least the next two days until my body gets used to the switch,” said the bleary-eyed Robinson. “This couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m running out of things to do at night. I’ve watched almost everything on Netflix. Every single show, including the Canadian shows that absolutely nobody has heard of or wants to watch. I get pretty good at killing time every year but by the time spring forward rolls around I’m getting pretty fuckin’ bored. What happens after I run out of TV to watch and video games to play? I’ve beaten all my games more than five times each. This is a welcome relief. I wish we could lose another hour next week.”
Robinson’s roommate Theo Lowry could not be more stoked on Robinson’s behalf.
“This is exactly what Mike needs right now. I’m hoping this can break the cycle and give both of us some relief,” said Lowry while lighting some candles in hopes it will relax his friend. “He’s not even a considerate insomniac. He’s up all night banging around the house, playing guitar, cooking, watching TV, and laughing super loud at episodes of ‘Peep Show’ like he’s the first guy to know about it. Sometimes he has people over. He threw a full-ass party one time at three in the morning. I’m getting sick of it, to be honest, I don’t know how much longer I can stand living with him. You would think he would get headphones by now, but no.”
Dr. Janet Angoure, a sleep specialist, explained that this is the time of year when insomniacs are absolutely living their best lives.
“With that one less hour of no sleep insomniacs are going to see themselves blossom into fully functioning members of society. They can expect to be more alert, more ready to take on life’s ups and downs while everyone else is bitching about their mild headache,” said Dr. Angoure. “If you notice more people coming out of their houses bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and able to contribute to society, you can thank the yearly spring forward.”
At press time, a fully refreshed Robinson was planning on returning to his job as a crane operator in downtown Manhattan.