NEW YORK — Local unemployed man George Costanza attempted to impress colleagues by pretending to be a member of metalcore band Architects while out to dinner last night, confirmed sources close to the compulsive liar.
“Dinner started out fine, I asked what he did for a living and he just said ‘I’m in Architects’ very confidently,” said Lilly Haverbrook, Costanza’s companion for the evening. “When I asked what albums he was on, he just said ‘Have you heard the latest one?’ I’m a big fan of the band so I asked if he meant 2021’s ‘For Those That Wish to Exist,’ and he just slowly nodded. I was skeptical, so I googled it while he went to the bathroom. But when I told him I didn’t see him on the album credits, he said it’s because he was using his music pseudonym, Art Vandelay. I really have no way of proving he’s lying, other than the fact he’s not in any of the band’s photos, promotional material, and definitely wasn’t on stage any of the dozen times I’ve seen the band live.”
The short, stocky, slow-witted Costanza was quick to rope his friends into the lie, including comedian Jerry Seinfeld.
“I was watching the Mets when George called me in a panic explaining he’s dating a new woman, and if she asks I need to confirm that he did in fact play bass for the English metalcore band Architects from 2017 to 2020. I pretended I didn’t know it was him by saying ‘uncle Leo?’ and then he screamed ‘Jerry!’” explained Seinfeld. “Well, he has always wanted to pretend to be in Architects. But I doubt he has ever even heard ‘Hollow Crown’ before. This is really more Kramer’s style of music. Although I have heard George mutter the phrase ‘all our gods have abandoned us’ many, many times. So who knows? And what’s the deal with metalcore, anyway?”
After the date, Costanza took Haverbrook to meet his parents, who were equally confused.
“Architects? Aren’t they just music school dropouts who say ‘blegh’ and write the chug-chug riffs?! Metalcore hasn’t been the same since The Dillinger Escape Plan disbanded!” George’s father Frank Costanza screamed to no one in particular. “I don’t care if he says it’s called a ‘breakdown.’ It sounds like he’s having a mental breakdown if you ask me! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE YANKEES?!”
At press time, Costanza was seen at Terminal 5 in Manhattan attempting to scheme his way into an Architects show using a “backstage pass” purchased from Bob Sacamano.
