Okay now just relax. I want you to close your eyes, inhale for a count of four, hold for a count of seven, and exhale for a count of eight. No! You are inhaling too fast and you aren’t holding it in long enough. Do you even know how to count? How do you ever expect to overcome your panic attacks if you breathe like a goddamn pug?! How about you say “Mississippi” after every count since apparently you’re a kindergartner? It’s like you don’t even want to get better.
If you screw this up your anxiety is going to get even worse. Is that what you want, you jittery moron? Just clear your mind completely and also count at the same time while picturing yourself in a meadow. How hard is that? Don’t forget about your hand placement. And relax. No, don’t breathe into that chakra! What a buffoon.
Ok fine, let’s try box breathing. This is in for four, hold for four, out for four, and hold for four. You have to make sure to do it exactly evenly or it won’t work. And breathe from your belly, not your chest. Deeper. DEEPER I SAID! Why are you so tense?
Try relaxing your entire body while keeping your spine perfectly aligned. If it isn’t perfectly aligned the stressors can’t escape your body and they will build up in your spinal fluid and paralyze you. So just relax.
I didn’t think this was possible but let’s dumb this down even further and just focus on your breathing. All you have to do is feel yourself breathing. In and out. In and out. It’s working? Okay good. Now, don’t let your mind wander into thoughts like how you’re alive right now but someday you won’t be or you could spiral out of control and ruin everything.
Feel. Don’t think. But be mindful at the same time. How do you not get this? Expand your awareness but look within at the same time. This is a time for self-examination but also for releasing the self and allowing it to go where it wants. And if you can’t do that simple task, then maybe you just want to spend the rest of your life being a nervous wreck.