EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. — Local teen Roderick Evans attempted last night to do the trick where you stab a knife between your outstretched fingers, disappointing partygoers by moving so slow it eliminated all elements of danger, totally bored sources confirmed.
“It’s pretty embarrassing,” noted disinterested onlooker and fellow partier Amber Murphy. “Nobody wanted him to do it in the first place, but as soon as he walked into the party, he whipped out this kid-sized pocket knife and shouted, ‘Wanna dance, motherfucker?’ Then he pushed a bunch of beer pong cups out of the way, put his hand palm-down on the table, and started very gingerly sticking the knife between his fingers. He thinks he’s so badass, but it’s like watching someone play Russian Roulette with a Super Soaker.”
Evans, a 19-year-old who works part-time at a local beer distributor, is known amongst peers for half-hearted, attention-seeking behavior.
“I’m probably freaking some people out, but I can’t help it,” Evans said while still performing the knife trick, punctuating each complete sentence with a carefully measured stab. “I live life on the wild side. See this scar? I got into a pretty grisly accident after drinking a bottle of whiskey. Fucking blood everywhere and shit — the doctors told me I was this close to dying. I guess I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t drink Jack Daniels on a trampoline.”
The reckless abandon of the knife game, depicted in countless movies, TV shows, and video games, draws condemnation from experts worldwide.
“That knife game is one of the leading causes of ER visits on Friday and Saturday nights,” explained Dr. Carl Wallace of nearby Huntington Hospital. “It is a very dangerous, foolish game. The only saving grace is that most people who injure themselves playing the game do it while going at a very slow, almost pathetic pace. Typically, the patient is a 19-year-old male with a buzz cut and some tribal tattoos, and they usually just have a little nick on their index finger or something. We have these Ed Hardy band-aids we put on their boo boo, and then we call their mom to pick them up.”
Evans eventually got everyone’s attention by running around the party while holding his pinky in the air and shouting, “Ouchies! Ouchies!”