March 2020 - Page 17 of 30

bassist, sexual misconduct, bad, gross, sad, press, article

Bassist Accused of Sexual Misconduct Just Happy to be Named In Article For Once

Patrick Coyne • March 15, 2020

TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name…

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Sesame Street Helps Losers Cope by Introducing Muppet that Sucks Ass at Halo

Jake Brian Williams • March 15, 2020

NEW YORK — Sesame Street announced plans to introduce a new Muppet that is absolutely horrendous at the video game…

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Opinion: A Jury of My Peers Wouldn’t Be Dressed so Nice

Yancy Lee Crawford • March 15, 2020

Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury…

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Emotional Support Dog Also Fucking Terrified of Flying

John Danek • March 15, 2020

ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial…

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D&D Player Wears Wire to Game After Friends Insist They Won’t Start a Podcast

Joe Klein • March 15, 2020

BROOKLYN — Local Dungeon Master Brian Goldberg’s most recent Dungeons and Dragons session ended in controversy yesterday, after the 26-year-old…

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We Ranked Every Cannibal Corpse Album Cover by the Length of the Shower We Had to Take After Looking at It

Nick Ortolani • March 15, 2020

Cannibal Corpse is just as known for their provocative album covers as they are for their music. Due to our…

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midwest, midwestern, goodbye, friendly, nice, wholesome

Midwestern Goodbye Enters 20th Hour of Inching Closer to Front Door

Luke Woodward • March 15, 2020

BARLOW, Ky. — Local woman Roxana Carozza is entering her 20th hour of the dreaded “Midwestern goodbye” this morning, still…

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Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early

Jolie Darrow • March 15, 2020

BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release…

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We Forced People at Comic Con to Look at Sonic Porn (And It Backfired)

Jeremy Kaplowitz • March 14, 2020

Written by Jeremy Kaplowitz, Giovanni Colantonio, Liam O'Malley, and Jeremy Hammond. Edited by Jeremy Kaplowitz Filmed by Giovanni Colantonio Starring…

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No One Wants To Play Your Weird German Game About Trains, Dude

LD Wallace • March 14, 2020

AUSTIN, Texas — Breaking reports from your irate friends indicate that no one has any interest in learning that weird…

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